For years I have asked the guests of my podcast, Within the Trenches, one final question. The question is, “If you could go back in time and speak to yourself at the beginning of your dispatch career, what would you tell yourself? It’s not to change anything, because what we have gone through led us to who we are today, but to simply give ourselves, advice, what would you tell yourself?” Everyone has given an impactful response, and for some, the emotion that comes with that question and reflection can be overwhelming. Recently, my guest Suzanne from episode 572, emailed me a little more of a reflection to this question. The following is written by Suzanne and she has given me the permission to share it. Thank you for being so open and for what you do for our profession.

I didn't realize how hard it would hit me and I couldn't quite finish my thought. So I thought I'd continue it here.

When I said the kids grow up fast...

What I meant was, I wish I had known to take better care of their mom. That if I had taken better care of myself earlier, my kids would have had a different life.

I could have saved them the pain, and trickle down damage of living with an angry mother. Of living with the yelling and slamming of cupboard doors. Of the fighting between their dad and I. Of the alcohol abuse I don't know if they fully understood at the time. Of the dysregulation (which I didn't even realize was happening, or have a name for at the time) that was occurring. I remember yelling at my son once "I don't get paid enough to listen to people complain all day, I don't want to have to listen to you for free". And I still hold onto shame because of that. I can't take those words back. Worse, I can't take the rage wrongly directed at him back.

Kids of first responders can, and do, easily become collateral damage. Even when we love them with every part of our fucking being. We can wound them so easily.

Coworkers may be the first to be part of the calls we hear. They may know personally the effects. But I believe our families witness the first red flags of when our mental health is in decline. They just don't always know it.

A child doesn't know why dad doesn't drive down a certain road anymore. Why mom doesn't let them play a certain sport anymore. Why one morning a parent came home and hugged them so tight and didn't want to let them go. They're just mom and dad. They aren't firefighters, police officers, paramedics, dispatchers to them. And by the time the kids are old enough to figure it out, the damage is all too often done.

The kids grow so fast. So take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them. Take the time, find the help. Don't wait. It's better to be proactive then be too late.

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Monday afternoon I spent some time with our two youngest daughters who still live at home. I hugged them, long and tight, and apologized for the aftermath I created that they had to live with. They have had a healthier mom then our oldest two.

We have had lots of fun family experiences. Camping every summer, road trips, game nights. Family was and is of utmost importance to me. But I was also unpredictable. Our older two experienced a lot of chaos. They are both the most amazing, beautiful souls, caring and empathetic adults. But I have no doubt they carry pain and their own trauma because of my unpredictable moods. While I've worked to make amends, saying sorry specifically about the home I created as a result of my trauma and stresses due to our job, opens another layer of healing that has to be done. I wanted to protect them from what I heard. Unfortunately, I inadvertently caused more pain.

Thank you for giving me the chance to tell my story. Thank you for all you do for those in public safety.

Keep playing those board games, having those family times and taking the space when you need to. That self care is a huge key that I wish I had thought of.

The kids grow up fast...